I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize