Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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