they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
