take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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