You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
