I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
When are your genitals available?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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