Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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