I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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