Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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