Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
