i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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