I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
