Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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