"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
