id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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