a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
