I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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