I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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