I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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