ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
