i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
