Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
