shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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