look no pants
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
