It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
