Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
