Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
