He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
