Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
