Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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