I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
