these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
