Will you blow on my dice?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize