I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
