non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
