we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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