i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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