This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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