no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
