Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
