I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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