I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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