Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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