guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
