Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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