apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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