God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
