before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
