I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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