So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
