He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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