I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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