Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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