Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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