I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
