apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
