First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
