I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize