So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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