The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
